Shadow Hunting

I've hidden in you

A thousand dreams,

A thousand fears,

A thousand sadnesses,

And a thousand joys until

You became a mirror that showed my true self.

I loved that self, and I hated that self.

Your surface showed my weakness most clearly

because that's all I held onto:

My belief that I wasn't enough.

I've forgotten who I am.

I saw in you all the things I loved about me…

And I gave them to you.

I will not fear, except to fear losing myself.

I fear losing you. Me.

I fear.

I fear as fiercely as I love.  I lost. I feared. I lost.

My mind drifts to you often,

in the moments between breaths,

My mind traveled to you and didn't return.

I lost.

I lost all of Self in my fear

"I must not fear. 

Fear is the mind Killer. 

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration."

Between each breath, I died.

Between the breaths

I actualized,

My fears. 

My shadow became all that I saw.

I thought it was something I could hold onto.

Solid, concrete, well-established.

It drew me forward to my end.

"I will face my fear"

Of losing you,

Of losing me.

"I will permit it to pass over me and through me".

I keep breathing

The space between breaths gets shorter,

There is too much life, there are too few pauses.

There is, there is, there is…

Me.

"Where have you been, what happened to you?"

I tried to reach you but silence was my answer.

The only thing that remained was the silence,

The expectation of life,

And the many cuts.

I gave myself to that emptiness

Piece by piece,

Breath by breath,

Fear by fear.

A thousand cuts,

A small-death each time.

"And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path."

I.

I.

I.

Gasp, space, obliteration.

"Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing."

I have created,

I have obliterated,

I have feared,

I have loved.

I have cried.

And in each tear,

"Only I will remain".

Author's Note: Italicized quotes are from Frank Herbert's "Dune".

Only Dreaming

I dreamt of you on a night like this.
I've lived this moment before.
Every grain of sand from my past,
  is etched, with the memory of our future.
Your heart beats with mine;
With every breath our souls converse. 
Whether you're near to me or far away, 
my body yearns for your touch.
I know now that time means nothing.
We have always been in harmony,
In thoughts, in dreams, in love.

I Am Not Indelible

My thoughts are not indelible,
they flow through me
With little inclination to stay.
I float, like my thoughts,
unable to commit myself to your memory,
Unable to commit a place in my heart to you.
Yet unyielding in my commitment to pleasure.
Each pleasure more fleeting
Than the last,
I begin to doubt my heart.
My heart has been torn and sewn shut.
I felt so deeply once,
Now every feeling leaves me
more numb.
I am expending each emotion,
Each feeling,
Carefully, with trepidation...
As if each one will last only a breath
Before it's blown away
And left me a shell
All feeling, all thought,
as cold as a November wind
On your cheeks,
and the memory of me
As quickly forgotten
As a chill in the heat of a fire.

Déjà Vu

I dreamt of you on a night like this.
I've lived this moment before.
Every grain of sand from my past,
is etched, with the memory of our future.
Your heart beats with mine;
With every breath our souls converse. 
Whether you're near to me or far away, 
my body yearns for your touch.
I know now that time means nothing.
We have always been in harmony,
In thoughts, in dreams, in love.

Goodbye

And though
I tried a thousand times,
I could never rehearse
Goodbye.
It came upon me like an
Icy wind from an open door,
And I knew it was nothing
I'd rehearsed before.
It took my breath.
It crushed my heart.
It kills me to watch you depart.

Looking Forward

Blank.  
That's the word that comes to mind when I think of the future.  
Is it blank because I've destroyed what should belong there?
Or, is it because it is, as yet, unwritten?  
A canvas primed for paint but not yet vibrant with color.  
The gesso valleys, and hairs from the brush sticking to it's surface;
the only reminder of the work that has gone into the preparation.  
Blank.  A word full of promise.